Here at Loonistic Information Source, in honor of Thanksgiving, we’re taking the week off from our normally Serious and Meaningful blog to interview some of the participants who make up a typical American Thanksgiving feast.
The potatoes, unfortunately, refused to turn off the TV or get off the couch, so they didn’t take part. Nor did the sweet potatoes, in fact, who were upstairs doing . . . we don’t know what they were doing, but they took a bag of marshmallows up there.
We had also hoped to interview kale and broccolirabe, who were out back in the garden, but they said they have nothing to do with Thanksgiving and wouldn’t come in the house.
So the first interview was with gravy. In the interest of Pure and Honest journalism, we have to say that we found it necessary to take gravy’s words with a grain of salt (actually, it was quite a lot of salt, maybe half a cup). We’re not sure how much to trust what gravy said, given that smooth, oily way of speaking.
“I’m the most popular dish on the table,” gravy said. “No other dish even comes close to how much people love me.”
We said, “Well there are other things that—”
“No, no, no! Not even close. They love me. Really, I don’t know why people don’t just have gravy and nothing else. I’m the best there is.”
“So you think you go with everything?”
“GO with everything? I AM everything. If there’s no gravy, it’s not Thanksgiving, it’s just a bunch of people arguing.”
After our conversation with gravy, we interviewed cranberry sauce, who seemed a little bitter.
“No one, you know, appreciates my subtlety. I mean, do you? Because, like, I have so much to offer, but who gets it? No one, you know, really. On my own, I could have been a main dish, no, seriously. People look at me and they think Ohhh, you’re so sweet, but no, no I’m not. You know what? I’m not sweet at all, but no one appreciates that.”
After cranberry sauce, we got a chance to talk turkey with the big bird of the day, and turkey sat down for our interview about 3:00 in the afternoon.
“I know you been waiting,” turkey said, “but aren’t I worth waiting for?”
“Thanks for doing this interview,” we said, “and we want to start with a question you probably hear a lot, but what are your views on light and dark?”
“Oh, I love that question,” turkey said. “Good and evil as metaphorically represented by the presence or absence of light, it’s a universal concept in human societies.”
“But not everyone eats turkey,” we said.
“That’s true,” turkey said. “Some people inhabit a space that, while not completely nihilistic, certainly evokes darkness through its profound amorality.”
“And how do you feel about gravy?” we asked.
“Well, gravy’s always on top of things, I’ll grant that.”
The next interviews were with vegetables, a mixed group who hung around together. “We didn’t think you were coming,” carrot said. “We got cold waiting on you.”
“Sorry,” we replied. “The interview with turkey took a little longer than we expected.”
“Anybody here surprised by that?” said green beans, looking around. “Has there been a year when that wasn’t true?”
“Anyway,” said onion, “you probably want to know what we contribute to Thanksgiving?”
“Yes, we’d love to hear your opinion on that.”
“We’re mostly there for ambiance. We add color to the occasion.”
“Oh well,” said carrot, “some of us do. And of course there are people who like carrots.”
“Uh huh,” said onion. “All four people in America. You make me cry.”
At that point we had to wrap up our interview with vegetables, as it was announced that pecan pie had arrived, and we felt the best interview of the day had just walked in the door.